


this was too silver to live

by callieincali



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: 23rd timeline, Angst, F/F, don't hate me, fuck 23penny, jk hate me if you want, read this if you think 3x11 was wrong when they said anyone but wickoff are soulmates, wickoff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 13:24:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16368428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callieincali/pseuds/callieincali
Summary: 23rd timeline rewrite, and this time it’s gay





	this was too silver to live

**Author's Note:**

> the summary says it all,, y’all know what ur getting yourself into
> 
> julia and kady are soulmates in every timeline and this headcanon makes it true so enjoy
> 
> (:<

Julia was far too smart to be robbed. And that was probably why no one had attempted it before.

She had her fair share of valuable goods, most of which she had obtained during her time at Brakebills University, and with such treasures came the possibility that some sticky-fingered individual would come along and decide they deserved the magic items more than she did. Foreseeing this outcome, Julia took the necessary precautions to protect them.

But with or without the protections in place, the entirety of Brakebills knew Julia as a student that should never be messed with. Being top of the class and years ahead in her studies ensured that status. No one had any interest in being on the receiving end of a spell they hadn’t even heard of, let alone had time to study to any extent. Her peers held a high respect (fueled either from envy or fear) for her, and she worked hard to keep it that way.

Which was why the sound of struggling from inside her dorm room in between classes came as a jolting surprise to Julia. And when she pushed the door open to the sight of a curly-haired girl tugging futilely on her hand that— on the surface— looked as if it was hot-glued to the top of Julia’s dresser, her first reaction was one of curiosity rather than anger.

“Fuck,” the girl grumbled, ceasing in her efforts and pressing her back against the wall behind her. A faint yellow glow emanated from the spot where her hand refused to move.

“What are you doing in my room?” Julia stepped closer, satisfied by the binds holding the girl in place.

The girl clenched her jaw, pushing a reply through gritted teeth. “Looking for something.” Behind the annoyance, there was a hint of defeat in the tone— the kind that came when no other options were left to remedy a situation.

“To steal?” The girl didn’t reply, but the silence answered well enough. “You know, I’m the only one that can reverse the binding spell you’re stuck in. If you have any desire to get out if it, I suggest you start explaining yourself.” Julia crossed her arms, watching as something close to fear flashed past the girl’s green irises.

“If I did, you’d just run and get me expelled.” Her breathing was slightly rapid, but the scowl on her face almost fully hid any sense of unease she felt.

“And if you don’t, I’ll still get you expelled.” Julia took a seat on the edge of her bed, the frame squeaking at she sat. The girl was only a foot or so in front of her; just out of arm’s reach. “Decide which way you prefer to take your chances.”

The curly-haired girl brought her free hand to her face and rubbed at her forehead, a sigh blowing past her lips. “Okay,” she started, shaking her head as if she already thought the explanation to be useless. Julia, on the other hand, was quite intrigued by the situation, and despite the violation she should have felt, her interest rang loudest inside her. “I work for a hedgewitch,” she mumbled as if Julia had pulled her teeth to hear it. “Involuntarily.”

Julia’s complacent expression fell, her eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

“And—“ another pause, another sigh; Julia was beginning to notice the girl growing more uncomfortable with each added word, “and if I don’t bring her things— expensive, magic things— she’s not very happy with me.” Julia’s confusion shifted to suspicion.

“Are you being serious?”

The girl let her eyes fall shut indignantly. “Yes, I swear.”

And though the story wasn’t exactly convincing, something deep down told Julia there was truth in the statement. Her gaze softened. The girl noticed and relaxed slightly, too.

“If I get expelled, I’ll have no way to _work_ for her, anymore.” The word ‘work’ was vague, but having heard what the girl had just explained, Julia filled in its true meaning. “So, if you could just forget this ever happened,” she raised her eyebrows, a compromise hanging in the air between them. “Please.” It was a plea that stemmed from desperation, pure, genuine desperation that left an ache in Julia’s chest as she witnessed it, even from a stranger.

She pushed from the bed and let a hand fall on the wrist that was magically bound to the wooden dresser, casting the reversal spell that dissipated the yellow hue from underneath the girl’s palm until it was gone from view completely.

“Thank you,” she wiggled her freed fingers and rubbed at the skin with her other hand, watching Julia as if waiting for further instruction.

Julia nodded and moved on to the item sitting just beside where the thief’s hand had been held. A faintly tinted blue crystal, wrapped in copper and tied to a silver chain. Whispering in Latin, she lifted the spell from the necklace like fog clearing from the sky, and though it looked no different, when Julia held it out for the girl to take, she knew no consequences would follow when she did.

“You probably need it more than I do, anyway,” Julia offered an understanding grin, but the girl only stared back in shock. “I mean it, you can have it.” When silence met her again, Julia reached for the girl’s hand and forced her fingers closed around the crystal, nodding once for confirmation.

“God, I— I don’t have anything to—“ the girl sputtered, eyes flicking between the necklace and Julia before they fell still and serious. “I’ll pay you back.”

“Don’t worry about it. Seems like you have enough debts to pay.”

The girl’s jaw tensed as if Julia’s words had struck a nerve but she ultimately nodded, tucking the treasure into her pocket. She studied Julia for a long moment. “Thanks, uh—“

“Julia.” The girl nodded too quickly and Julia got the sense she had already known her name. Most students did.

“Kady.” She ran a hand through her messy curls, flipping them to one side and hurrying back to the halls.

Julia shook her head in disbelief, left with too many questions about the girl to think it would be the last time they ever spoke.

 

* * *

 

 

Julia met Penny in her first week of classes.

And apart from Quentin, who she spent the majority of her days with, he was the first boy to take a genuine interest in her for reasons other than improving his grades. He passed her immature notes in class that made laughter hard to suppress, chatted with her as she studied (no matter how often she called it distracting), and when a few months stood between the day they first met, he asked her out on a date, to which she happily agreed.

Their dating didn’t immediately have a label, though both seemed content with letting things fall into place on their own. It was halfway through their first year when Penny first called her his ‘girlfriend’ and the title had stuck from there.

He hung around with her and Quentin, despite how greatly the two boys seemed to clash, and Julia felt more complete with her arm looped through Penny’s than she had in all her time at the school.

Quentin, being a physical kid, begrudgingly snuck the two into the parties that only the physical kid’s cottage was capable of throwing. Eliot and Margo, being somewhat the captains of the house, were quick to look past such trespassing, probably with the logic that more people meant more talk. And the two were more than happy to be headline news among the students on campus.

It was such parties that Julia spent many nights consumed in, laughing and drinking the hours away with the two boys she considered to be her closest friends.

It was also at the exact same parties that Julia first caught a glimpse of Kady again since the unfortunate circumstances of their meeting.

Kady was drinking alone towards the back of the cottage, seemingly uninterested in any party aspect other than the beer she was sipping. Julia didn’t know what about Kady managed to hold her attention, but after a minute or so of staring, she stood and excused herself from the couch Q and Penny shared with her, and made her way towards the mane of dark curls.

She cleared her throat as she placed herself a cushion or two away from the girl. “Hey.”

Kady looked up from her drink with little interest, only the vaguest flash of surprise lighting up in her eyes. She lifted her bottle in greeting. “You’re not a physical kid.” There was a playfulness— or at least, Julia hoped what she heard in the statement was lighthearted—in her tone, despite the neutral expression she held.

“I’m in good company,” she said, nodding in the direction of a group of kids, all of which were exclusively from alternate disciplines. Her eyes trailed to Quentin and Penny; the two boys spoke casually with a few other guests, Penny a bit standoffish and Q a little too awkward to hold a conversation. “My friend Quentin gets me in. No better place to party.” Julia offered a short laugh, and Kady nodded in agreement.

“You know the other guy, too?” Julia figured she was referring to Penny.

“Yeah, that’s Penny. He’s my boyfriend,” the word left a strange feeling on her tongue. She bit down as if the sensation could be chewed out. Kady looked Julia up and down in faint shock, but simply nodded again and offered a short, insincere form of congratulations.

A tense silence followed, and Julia had begun to regret coming over at all.

“How’d everything go with—“ Julia spoke only loud enough for Kady to hear, her voice trailing to avoid saying the rest out loud. Kady shifted uncomfortably and swallowed down a mouthful of her drink.

“Do you really care to know?” Kady asked, a bite to her tone that Julia assumed she had held back during their previous interaction.

Julia shrugged. “I asked, didn’t I?”

Kady laughed falsely and shook her head. “If you think I owe you something because you let me off easy, then you picked the wrong person to be nice to.“ Julia heard a slur in the words and realized why she was probably seeing the less reserved version of Kady. It was called liquid courage for a reason, she supposed.

“I don’t, I was just—“ she shifted then, too, wishing she had a cup of something to keep her hands busy.

“Frankly, it’s none of your business.” But Kady’s resolve slipped momentarily, probably noticing the offense-laced confusion on Julia’s face. “If you still want money, I can get it to you. But don’t expect anything else.” She stood from the couch unsteadily and stomped off, leaving Julia to ponder on the conversation’s strange turn. In the distance, she heard a door open and slam shut; she had a inkling as to who was behind it.

“Message received,” Julia mumbled and returned to the two boys she’d left on the other side of the room, feeling slightly disappointed things hadn’t gone better.

 

* * *

 

Kady had no intention of talking to Julia ever again after the events of the party. She had woken the next morning with a headache and a pit of regret in her stomach, wondering how long until the dean showed up to her room with the news she was being expelled. After the way she’d blown up on Julia, she could only expect retaliation.

But miraculously, the notice never came, and that only made the guilt stronger. Because Julia hadn’t said anything, despite the fact that she definitely had more than good reason to.

Kady had no intention of talking to Julia, and did everything in her power to avoid running into the brunette for the first few days that followed, but somehow— some irony that was hellbent on filling her life with ultimatums that always led to questionable decisions— she ended up outside Julia Wicker’s door, with three words echoing in her mind.

“It’s not enough.” Said by Marina during their last meeting, and said with a devious smile that came so often from the girl that held so much control over her.

“Yeah, well it’s all I have this week,” Kady had replied, gathering every bit of defiance she held to block out the fear that lay beneath it. Fear of what would happen to her mother if she didn’t comply. Fear of what would happen to _her_ if Marina ever decided she wasn’t useful enough anymore.

“So, start stealing more,” Marina pushed as if it were that easy. “You’re a clever girl, I’m sure you’ll manage,” she continued, every word more patronizing than the previous.

“Yeah, I’ll manage, but I might also get kicked out in the process.” Kady reasoned, an edge to her voice that she struggled to hold back from becoming the uncontrollable anger she often found herself falling victim to. She was starting to think Marina got more satisfaction from Kady failing than she did from her succeeding.

Marina frowned in the fake way she always liked to. “I would really hope you wouldn’t. Otherwise I’d have to seriously reevaluate why I consider you a valuable asset.” There was a hidden implication, a threatening undertone that answered the questions swirling in Kady’s head. Failure wasn’t an option. Marina owned her, and that meant whatever she wanted, she got, no matter what the price and no matter who got hurt in the process.

And when— despite her best and most reckless efforts— Kady still came up far short of what she needed, she decided to turn to the only person who knew of her unique situation, uncertainty building inside her with every step closer she grew to Julia’s room.

It was just before midnight when she knocked; Marina had arranged to meet with her in an hour. She waited, listened for any noise from beyond the door, and knocked again when no one answered, louder than before.

Kady waited another long moment, this time met with the door pulling open, a very tired Julia standing behind it.

“Kady?” She mumbled, pushing loose strands of hair from her face.

“Hey,” Kady said. “I need a favor.”

Julia came to her senses and glared, her eyes narrowed to slits as she considered the statement. “Sounds like none of my business,” she growled, starting to close the door only for Kady’s foot to stop it.

“Wait,” Julia paused in her efforts, “I’m sorry about the other night. I don’t trust people easily, so when you started asking questions,” Kady began, but abandoned the end if the sentence. “But I’m trusting you now,” she motioned her hand back and forth between them, referring to the current conversation. “And I’m asking for your help.” It burned her cheeks to say it— to admit defeat like that to someone she barely knew. But she was desperate, and if embarrassing herself slightly meant she lasted another week without facing Marina’s wrath, then she supposed it was worth it.

Julia looked her up and down, brown eyes meeting her own green and holding their gaze for a moment. Kady could see her expression softening. And after sighing loudly and biting at her cheek, Julia stepped back from the door and welcomed Kady inside.

 

“What exactly happens if you don’t pay this girl?” Julia sat, legs crossed, on her bed, a binder of various papers spread out in front of her. Kady watched from an armchair in the corner of the room, tension swelling inside her like a rubber band pulled too tight.

She told herself as soon as this ordeal was over, she could go back to avoiding Julia and forgetting the whole thing ever happened.

“I’m hoping I never find out,” Kady muttered, picking at her nails for the sole reason of avoiding eye contact. The room fell to a quiet only broken by the soft scratching of pen against paper and the occasional page flipping.

Julia had agreed to write out the binding spell Kady found herself on the wrong end of just weeks before. She even promised to add in the circumstances that limited the spell, making it more valuable (and simultaneously adding to the increasing sense of debt Kady felt to the girl).

“Well, this is probably worth five times what that necklace was, so maybe it’ll keep her off your ass for a while.” Julia tapped the pen on the paper a few times, sending a smile towards Kady that she caught from the corner of her eye.

“Knowing her, it’ll only raise her expectations.”

The smile fell to a contemplative frown. “How’d you get mixed up with all this in the first place?” Kady’s stomach twisted at the question. She looked to Julia, thankful the girl had returned to her writing and couldn’t see the probable panic written across her face. She considered lying, considered changing the topic, or even letting defense coat her words as she had at the party. But when Julia sent an expectant look her way as the gap between question and answer spanned to a concerning length, Kady forced the truth past her lips.

“My mom, she got involved with some bad hedgewitches. Things ended badly, she had a debt to pay, and she decided to pay with me,” Kady explained, hating the way Julia’s eyes widened in horror.

“Jesus,” Julia said under her breath, the pen scribbling along the page coming to a momentary halt. “I—I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.” Kady attempted to sway the pity, desperate for a change in subject.

And thankfully— the second luckiest Kady had been that night— Julia clicked open the prongs of the binder and pulled two pieces of paper from inside it. “Done,” she announced, looking over her work proudly, “it’s all yours.”

Kady stood from the chair, catching a glimpse of the clock. Just past one, but she knew Marina would wait. “Thanks. Again.” Kady had never been good with things like this, but she hoped the pleasantry sufficed.

Julia grinned again, holding out the spell sheet for Kady to take. “You’re welcome, just don’t freak out on me the next time you’re drunk.” Kady grabbed the papers and offered a short laugh, hoping the sentence was less of a jibe and more of way to bring some humor to the situation. She got the feeling it acted as both.

“I’ll do my best.” A smirk tugged at her lips as she left Julia’s room for the second time, thinking maybe she could get used to coming back more often.

 

* * *

 

 

Kady found herself in Julia’s room far more frequently after their exchange, never again to ask for help with Marina’s endless wishes, but instead for reasons that didn’t make sense entirely to Kady at first.

She told herself she owed Julia, that the least she could do was spend some time with the girl to show her acts of unnecessary kindness were acknowledged. But as the weeks passed and Kady found herself slowly integrated amongst the small group Julia called her friends, she noticed the debt fading, leaving just a plain friendship behind.

And Kady decided some nights (especially ones filled with Eliot and Margo’s famous parties) were better spent with a person of three to fill it with conversation, even if the topics felt irrelevant to Kady, who had grown so used to only speaking when it served a purpose.

“If you ever need more,” Julia said one day as they walked between classes. “You know you can ask me.” Kady did know, but she’d taken enough from Julia, and asking for more wasn’t even on her list of last resorts.

“I won’t,” she answered quickly, Julia sent a concerned look her way, but Kady was quicker to quell it. “I stole all your good shit, anyway.” She bumped shoulders with the girl, catching sight of Penny waiting for them at the end of the sidewalk as he often did. Not far off, Quentin stood, books clutched to his chest, talking with kids from the cottage about something seemingly important.

Julia scoffed, feigning offense. “If you think a binding spell is ‘good shit’, you should see what happens when someone tries to steal something I _actually_ care about.”

Kady mirrored the false hurt. “And here I was thinking you gave me that necklace because I made a good impression.

“You did, but the necklace was crap.”

“And the binding spell? You give that to all the girls that sneak into your room during class?” Kady fought a smile, ultimately failing when Julia let out a laugh that made her world spin a little slower, like time could freeze right then and let her hold onto the moment forever.

“Only the pretty ones,” Julia mumbled, quiet enough for Kady alone to hear as they caught up to Penny. A grin crept to her lips at the comment, the type of smile that could have led way to a blush had Kady not had a better grip on her emotions; she stared at the sidewalk to ensure both Penny and Julia wouldn’t see.

The boy greeted Julia with a short kiss, and when Kady finally met his gaze, he only nodded to acknowledge he’d seen her at all.

Kady and Penny had a strange relationship, one of weary glances and side eyes, and though the two managed to maintain civility between one another, their friendship spanned nowhere beyond that.

Penny seemed to be in a similar situation with Quentin, though months of toleration must have weakened his resolution, leaving cracks for mumbled insults and jibes to sneak through. Quentin would often pretend he didn’t hear them, sinking into himself and probably wishing he could be elsewhere.

It was a dysfunctional group, and though most days it seemed they were all only there for Julia, Kady knew each of them held some level of care for one another, however little that may be. And dysfunction had always been a constant in her life, anyway, so something about the unorthodox relationships she made felt comforting in a way.

“He’s like the stereotypical bad-boy. I don’t get how you can stand him.” Kady had said a week or so later, studying the night away with Julia (who partook in most of the studying). She was on her back, Julia beside her, both girls facing the ceiling. Julia held a book out in front of her, mouthing the words on the page to help her focus, though the trickling conversation made any concentration near impossible. Kady hadn’t come to study anyway; she never did.

Brown eyes flicked in Kady’s direction, glinting golden in the yellow lamplight of the room. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Kady chuckled quietly, turning her head until one ear pressed against Julia’s mattress and she faced the studying girl fully. “Nothing, I guess. It’s just that you’re every teacher’s pet and I’m pretty sure he sees Fogg more often than any kid in this whole school.” Penny had an air about him that set Kady on edge. He held the same distrustful attitude she armored herself with, and the mystery of the facade only made Kady more suspicious of the boy— though she had a feeling Penny had a similar view of her.

Julia rolled her eyes. “And you’re not exactly the poster child for good behavior, either, but I keep you around.”

“You do have questionable judgement.” Julia failed to hold back a smile, one Kady failed to hold back a reciprocation of, and rolled her eyes, bringing her attention back to where her first finger was holding her spot on the page. “How long have you two even been together?” If Julia was any bit annoyed by the interruptions, nothing of indignation showed in her expression. She answered easily, her voice even and neutral.

“A little less than a year.”

“Jesus, the way he talks about you, I’d have thought you were high school sweethearts or something gross like that.” Kady brought an arm behind her head, using it to prop her up slightly. At the mention, Julia paused in her reading— a little too sudden to seem natural— and set the book face-down on her chest, abandoning the text.

Kady could draw at least two occasions to mind where Penny had thrown around the word ‘soulmates’ when describing the two of them, and probably a handful of others when he’d uttered some stupid, sappy cliché that no one expected from the buff, tattooed boy that often involved himself in fights with kids among the campus.

“He just cares a lot, but no one sticks around long enough to see it,” Julia said. Kady had never asked for a justification, but the defense only planted more questions in her head.

“And you care about him?” Kady wasn’t sure why it felt important to know, but she told herself it was out of concern for her new friend and the quality of her relationship, despite the cold heaviness that swelled inside her when she thought of the possible answers.

“Yeah, I—“ she scoffed lightheartedly and shook her head, “this feels like an interrogation.” Kady shared in the laughter, rolling her eyes.

“It’s not,” she jabbed an elbow into Julia’s side playfully. “I was just curious.” Julia looked into her eyes, then, staring for a moment as if she saw something she hadn’t seen previously. She looked back to the ceiling, deep in thought, as Kady shifted, turning to her side and propping herself up on her elbow. She watched Julia from the higher angle and relished in the warmth that spread through her like a warm drink on a cold day. A minute of comfortable silence passed between them before Julia spoke again.

“Besides Quentin, he was the first guy to think of me as more than someone to copy homework from,” she confessed of her own accord, her voice still steady and solemn, though the beginnings of something deeper and less identifiable lingered beneath.

Kady hummed, finally understanding. A strand of wavy, chestnut brown framed Julia’s face and held her attention. “And you think he’s the last one that’ll come around.” Kady meant it as a question but it lacked any lilt that would distinguish it as so.

“Yeah, kinda,” she said through a sigh, a sense of relief in her tone like she was glad someone had done the work of saying it for her.

“He’s not. _Plenty_ of people see you as more than just ‘the-smart-girl’.” Kady hoped it was obvious she was referring partially to herself. She reached out for the strand of hair that caught her eye, brushing it behind Julia’s ear. Their eyes met again, and Kady found a place deep in her stomach lurching forward.

Julia shook her head, a smirk dimpling her cheek. “You realize you just got done calling me ‘every teacher’s pet’, right?” Kady laughed quietly in response.

“It’s not a bad thing, and it’s definitely not the only thing I see you as,” she said, a hand still lingering just beside Julia’s cheek, which had begun to burn a hue of pink at the words.

And for a long moment, the two only stared, Kady unsure where the sudden influx in emotion had come from and if she was comfortable with the pounding it filled her chest and ears with.

But pushing the alarm to a distant unreachable place, Kady leaned in, and once Julia’s eyes began to flutter shut with the decreasing distance, Kady pushed the rest of the way forward. Her lips brushed gently against Julia’s, meeting warmth and softness and something close in comparison to a surge of magic running through her, stretching outward from the beating behind her ribs.

Julia kissed her back— the heat of her reddened cheeks meeting Kady’s— only for a brief moment before Kady pulled back, her head dizzy and drunk on the feeling.

 

* * *

 

The physical kid’s parties only seemed to grow in intensity as the year ticked by, each event bringing in more students than the previous, until just about every willing student at Brakebills showed up to the cottage after classes were over for the day.

Kady, along with Julia, Penny, and Quentin were not among the exceptions.

Neither Kady or Julia had brought up the kiss from the week before, though it seemed to have no effect on their friendship— whether that was because Julia was insistent on forgetting it ever happened or she just wasn’t concerned with the implications the kiss held, Kady wasn’t sure.

But sitting in the physical cottage, Julia on the couch across from her, wrapped in Penny’s arms and pulled close against his chest, Kady decided she’d had enough of the uncertainty.

“Jules,” she said as soon as Quentin’s rambling about some Fillory nonsense Kady couldn’t be bothered to listen to tapered off. “Come get a drink with me?” Julia perked up at the question, Penny a stark contrast as he untangled his arm from around her, and she stood to follow Kady.

And they did stop in the kitchen for drinks first, but Kady stopped Julia before they could return to the party, wrapping a hand around her wrist and pulling her off to a much quieter, much emptier room. It was a scarcely decorated dorm, with a bed pushed into one corner and deep brown walls that held a few picture frames here and there, all of which looked like they had come with the room.

Kady shut the door behind them, the music and chatter growing muffled and indistinct. She flopped onto the bed, not caring who it belonged to, and sighed. Her head was spinning slightly from the alcohol, her eyes just heavy enough to make sleep seem appealing.

Within a few seconds, the mattress dipped beside her and Kady sat up to mirror Julia’s position.

“I was hoping for an excuse to get away from all the noise,” Julia filled the quiet, sipping lightly on her drink and watching Kady from behind the rim. And Kady would have held back the question on her mind for longer, but the buzz in her head made patience hard to channel.

“So, the other day when we were studying,” Kady started, mentally cringing at how terrible she was when talking about emotions and feelings was concerned. “Should we talk about that?”

Julia’s eyes widened just enough for Kady to notice, but she played it off with a casual grin. Kady saw right through it, even with altered senses. “It was just a kiss, it doesn’t have to mean anything, right?” The question stung a little as it reached Kady’s ears, her gut twinging with hints of regret. Of course it had meant nothing to Julia— it was barely even a kiss and Kady was making it out like they’d slept together. She swallowed hard, intending to nod and agree but abandoned the effort when confusion still rang loudly in her thoughts, and pushed for clarification.

“But did it?” Kady knew she never would have asked it sober, and even drunk, it set her heart pounding in her chest, her pulse reaching the pink-tinted skin of her cheeks.

Julia considered Kady’s expression for too long; Kady shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny. Ultimately, the shorter girl only shrugged, a sad smile hiding any true emotion from view. “I’m with Penny,” she reminded Kady, but something in her brown eyes pleaded for that to not be the end of the conversation. Kady managed a smirk despite the annoyingly present tug in her stomach.

“Well, no one said anything about him finding out.” Her words stumbled over one another, clumsy after the number of drinks she’d consumed.

Julia bit at her lip, fingers tapping the cup in her grasp. “Then, what would that make this?” Definitely a question, but one that sounded distinctly rhetorical. Her words were slurred, too, though much less in comparison to Kady’s. A short silence rented the air, and Kady figured she’d pressed enough on the topic for one night. She backtracked, maintaining indifference, hoping to avoid any tension that might follow.

“I’m fine with pretending it never happened if you are.” She told herself the claim was true, despite the way it burned in her throat to speak it. Julia’s face fell, her bottom lip pouting out just enough to touch the cup she held in front of it. She lowered the drink to her lap.

“No, I—“ Julia’s voice was eager, a strand of hair slipped from behind her ear as she lurched forward and held a hand up as if she could catch Kady’s words and throw them aside. Kady waited for her to continue, but quiet filled the space instead.

Brown eyes flicked from green, landing a few inches lower on Kady’s face and lingering there.

For only a second, their gazes met again, Julia’s full of something pleading, something that made Kady’s stomach lurch just as it had the last time she’d been this close to Julia. And staying with the trend, Kady leaned in as she had the night in Julia’s dorm, but this time hands cupped her cheeks and closed the distance between them before Kady had a chance to.

Their lips crashed together, flooding Kady with a near-sobering wave of warmth, her hands moving to catch Julia at her hips, half to steady herself and half to steady the other girl. The taste of booze clung to Julia’s mouth, coating her breath as it fanned over Kady’s cheeks and seemed to swirl around her, pulling her deeper into the intoxication of an entirely new chemical.

Kady coaxed Julia from the bed, their steps clumsy as the shorter girl backed against the dorm room wall with a quiet thud. (Julia’s cup was abandoned somewhere along the way, possibly ending up as a puddle on the wooden floors.) And with hands tangled in brown waves, feeling gentle touches trace over the small of her back, Kady kissed Julia— kissed the girl like she’d wanted to weeks before— kissed her like she imagined she would if Penny didn’t keep a possessive arm locked around her at all times— kissed her in the way kisses were in dreams and sappy love stories Kady hated but suddenly thought might have a chance of growing on her.

And Julia kissed her back, soft and sweet but certain, her hands keeping Kady close as if she refused to let the kiss end too soon. They kissed and time passed in a different way, too fast but somehow ticking by in slow motion, every slight movement noticeable and in focus, like a crisp memory, too vivid to ever forget.

It was everything she could have asked for from a kiss, right up to the point when the door flung open, a familiar voice filtering in along with the growing volume of the party.

“—leaving me with the fanboy,” Penny rambled, probably speaking long before he entered the room. “Where the hell did you two—“

Kady pulled back, her lips still buzzing from the contact, and was only slightly better than Julia at holding back a gasp. With a hand still hooked behind Kady, Julia flushed at the sight of her boyfriend, her mouth opening and closing a few times as she struggled to think of something to say.

The shorter girl only managed a breathless “Penny,” before the boy’s eyes lit with angry flames and he turned to walk out without a word to either of them.

Julia looked to Kady, guilt riddling her features. Kady stared right back, regret blaring like an alarm in her thoughts.

They didn’t speak— there was nothing to say. Julia swiped a hand over her lips and rushed from the dorm, leaving Kady to burn with frustration in the aftermath.

 

* * *

 

 

Kady thought she wouldn’t see Julia or her small group of friends for a while after that, and unfortunately she was right.

She went back to spending most nights alone, wandering the halls and testing doorknobs for unlocked dorms and treasures to could keep Marina fulfilled for another week. She was lonely from the sudden change, an emotion she had a whole life of neglect and abandonment to desensitize her against. She missed Julia, and she couldn’t decide if it angered her more that she had grown close to yet another person just to watch them leave, or that she had been so foolish to let the events that unfolded draw a wedge between them.

She only knew Julia to exist at the school at all anymore because of the chatter that surfaced involving her— something about Quentin and Fillory and how the fictional place seemed to be real after all. Kady heard gossip of Julia planning to find a way to the place and, with the help of Quentin and a group of friends he’d recruited, planned to kill the elusive creature that attacked the school during the first few days they had spent at the university.

None of it came as much of a surprise to Kady— Julia had always been an overachiever, a go-getter— but what shocked her most was the knowledge that Julia could have come to inform her of the discoveries at any time, and chose to avoid her instead, leaving Kady in the lonely dark she hadn’t found herself a part of since before she stepped foot onto the campus for the first time.

She was starting to think she would wake up one day to the news of several kids making their departure, with no goodbye from Julia preceding. It stung to think she may never see Julia again, but she forced herself not to dwell on the consequences of her own decisions. Being friends with Julia was never intended to last— it had begun as an obligation, an indebtedness— and she supposed she was only getting what she originally asked for.

Kady sat on the cool stone of one of the many Brakebills fountains that littered the campus. The quiet splashing of the water became her soundtrack as she ate her lunch, an Advanced Battle Magic spell book laid open beside her. She regarded it lazily, her mind elsewhere.

And as if she had willed the encounter into existence, footsteps broke through the quiet nature sounds surrounding her; Kady didn’t have to look up to know who would be staring back.

“Hey,” Julia said, twisting and pulling nervously at the rings on her fingers. Kady told herself she would be selfishly mad when or if the girl ever did decide she was worth the explanation of why she’d all but disappeared, but the only emotion she could bring herself to feel then, was relief. She dragged her eyes up to Julia’s face and remembered the way it changed her to have her lips pressed against it.

“Hey.”

Julia took a seat on the ledge of the fountain beside Kady, despite something inside her that seemed to persuade her not to. “I’m sorry I—“

“Decided I didn’t deserve an explanation? Thought if you avoided me, you could forget that anything ever happened?” Kady finished for her, and thought maybe there was a good deal of anger still inside her. Julia dropped her gaze to her lap.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, quiet and guilty. Kady sighed a steadying breath, she didn’t want to argue with the girl.

“Why, then? Why haven’t you said _anything_ to me since that night?” Kady’s voice broke against the lump in her throat. She swallowed it down before it could grow any bigger.

“I wanted to but—“ Julia looked up, her eyes were glossy. “What was I supposed to say?” Kady shrugged, she didn’t know what she expected from the shorter girl. “I’m with Penny, and things have always been good with him. He has his problems, his things he needs to work through, but he’s always been good for me.”

Kady only nodded because she didn’t trust herself enough to speak.

“There’s a whole other world out there, beyond Brakebills, beyond New York,” Julia started, changing the subject to what she had probably come to discuss.

Kady scoffed and rolled her eyes to avert her gaze; she wouldn’t cry in front of Julia. “And I’m too wrapped up with being a slave to a hedge witch to see it.” Julia’s eyes hardened, her eyebrows knitting close.

“I didn’t say that.”

“You didn’t have to.”

It was silent for a long moment, just the breeze and the running water between them. “I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye,” Julia finally said, meek and quiet.

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“Kady.” Julia’s tone was stern, but her eyes were soft and pleading. She scooted closer, a hand coming to rest on Kady’s shoulder. “You know I care about you, and you know I can always be there for you if you need it.” She was close; Kady could smell her perfume wrapping around her in the breeze. The words were genuine. Kady nodded. “You can even raid my room once I’m gone.” A smile tugged at her lips, and Kady felt the corners of her own mouth twitching. She missed the feeling Julia’s smile left her with.

“And who would let me out of the binding spells?” Kady played along, thankful for some humor in the conversation. Julia laughed and shook her head.

“I’m sure Fogg knows all the counterspells. Though he probably won’t kiss you at any parties after, so don’t get your hopes up.” Kady groaned at the thought, the noise bleeding into similar laughter. Julia pulled at Kady’s shoulder, forcing her forward and into a hug. Kady obliged and relished in the comfort it brought her. She was definitely going to miss Julia.

“I’ll be back soon, probably,” she assured, as if reading Kady’s thoughts. “And until then,” Julia pulled back, hands sliding up Kady’s shoulders and coming to rest at her cheeks. She leaned in, planting a short kiss on her lips. “You know where to find me.”

Kady didn’t actually, but she couldn’t bring herself to say so. Someone at the school had to know how to get to Fillory, she supposed, and in a pinch she would just have to find them.

Julia stood from her seat on the fountain ledge, smiling a sad smile and sighing through her nose. “Bye, Kady.” She turned to walk away.

“Bye, Jules.”

And Kady knew— deep down where knowledge and intuition blurred to one— something was strangely final about the goodbye, and something severed inside Kady as Julia left down the stone path back to the school building. She could tell Julia had become only a memory of the past, and it wasn’t until two days later that Kady understood why.

 

* * *

 

She was in her dorm room at the physical kid’s cottage when a shout for help drew her attention from the book she’d been halfheartedly studying from. It was a familiar voice, but held an unfamiliar tone, and a pit grew heavy in her stomach as if she already knew to expect the worst.

She descended the stairs in a hurry, rushing into the cottage’s main room before coming to a horrified halt.

“What the—“ she choked on the last word, her hand shaky and growing cold as she brought it to cover her parted lips.

“We were arguing,” Penny’s voice was muffled with emotion as he knelt on the wooden floors, gaze trained on the body in his arms.

Julia was gray and lifeless, a massive gash on her neck crusted with dried blood that seemed to cover her. She was wearing the clothes Kady last saw her in, alive and well, smiling and making jokes. It made the scene feel somehow fake. It had only been two days ago, Kady couldn’t believe something so terrible had happened in that time.

“Penny,” she managed, unable to sort through her thoughts fast enough as they flooded through her like waves from the ocean, pulling her under, drowning her.

“I never told her—“ he stopped before he could finish, even his breathing paused as he remembered something. He brought a hand to her pale face where the blood hadn’t reached. “I forgive you, please just wake up. I forgive you, Julia.” He went on whispering the same words. Kady shook on her unsteady legs.

“What happened?” She finally asked, staring at Julia’s state as if any moment she would draw in a breath and wake up. Her chest remained still. Penny tore his eyes from his girlfriend, as if just fully noticing Kady standing there, and sent a glare in her direction.

“The Beast. It killed her. It killed them all.”

And somehow through the shock, Kady managed to grab hold of the arm of a couch and narrowly miss collapsing to the floor. Her eyes stung, but tears didn’t fall. She remembered how to blink and the stinging subsided for only a moment.

“No, she—“ Kady stepped closer, thinking against all logic that maybe she could wake her up if she could just touch her—tell her she was there, that she still needed her, that she forgave her, too, that she was never really mad in the first place. But Penny called out before she could reach her.

“Get the hell away from her.” It jarred Kady enough to bring logic back to her thoughts. And she didn’t think she wanted to get close anyway, scared of the finality it would fill her with. “You’re the reason we were fighting. And you’re the reason she died thinking I was mad at her.” The tears came then, not because of Penny’s shouting, but because of the two words that held her attention among the rest.

_She died._

Kady choked on a sob. “I didn’t— we were—“ but Penny cut her off again, though Kady didn’t think she could’ve finished the sentence anyway.

“I know _exactly_ what you were.” Tears stained his cheeks, his hand still holding Julia’s face. The blood on her neck glinted in the light of the room and made Kady’s stomach sour and twist.

“Julia,” she managed through the emotion, hoping with some false and cruel hope that it could wake her.

“Keep her name out of your mouth or I’ll make sure it’s the last thing you say.” His voice was genuine, and Kady had no doubt he meant it.

She stepped back, feeling bile rise to her throat. “I’m sorry,” she said, barely more than a whisper. She meant the apology for Julia but figured Penny would keep it for himself. She couldn’t bear to stay in the room, needed to get away from the suffocating air within it.

And somehow, despite the shaky legs beneath her and the mess of emotions clouding her mind, she made it back to her room, turning to the trash can just in time to empty her stomach into it.

Julia was dead.

And Kady didn’t think she could stand to look at the walls of the school where the girl had lived any longer.

So, she did what she’d spent a lifetime doing. She packed what little things she could call her own into a bag (and stole what she could from the two rooms beside hers) and pushed past the entrance to the cottage, her mind empty and her body cold.

She considered stopping by Julia’s room, considered taking more or just taking something to keep as a token of the girl, but disregarded the idea, too scared of the memories it would unearth with it.

She would probably end up having to sell it, anyway.

Kady made it to the edge of the campus before she broke down, falling to the underbrush and crying into her hands. She mourned the life she’d built at the school, mourned the girl she would never see again.

She wondered if she would ever get up, or if she would spend hours in the dirt, too weak to stand.

Her answer came when screams of terror from the university met her at the border of the campus. She looked towards the building, her eyes blurred and swollen, and found students fleeing from their classrooms in every direction. Even from afar, Kady could see a few were bleeding, hands at their throats as they stumbled through the grass.

The Beast, Kady was sure of it.

She didn’t have time to think as pushed from the ground, only one goal in mind and that being to get as far away as possible.

Kady pulled her bag up on her shoulders and started up the spell to break down the invisible walls keeping her inside.

She said a silent goodbye to the school and to the first friend she’d made in years that now lay pale on the floor of her home.

The wards fizzled away in tiny purple sparks, opening the door the to New York forest beyond it.

Kady stepped past the edge of Brakebills University and ran.

**Author's Note:**

> i warned you. 
> 
> with fics this long, i can never tell if they suck but i’m posting it anyway bc i like a lot of parts of it
> 
> yell at me here or on twitter @bestbltches
> 
> love u guys sorry for killing half of this otp again oopsies


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